The Single Life
I often feel like I should tell the story of my three years single and celibate before I met and married my husband. I know that you can never know how your story will affect someone else. Sometimes, just hearing that someone else has been through what you're going through, or have gone through, can make all the difference in someone else's life. I know because many times I've been that person that benefited from hearing someone else's story.
I was and am by no means perfect...none of us are. Whenever I tell someone about the person I used to be or the life I used to live, they are amazed usually because the person they hear about is nothing like the person they're talking to. They hear stories of a suicidal, promiscuous alcoholic who grew up in church but somehow got tangled up in the wrong situations. They hear stories of a girl who had low self esteem, but was usually pretty good at hiding it. They hear stories of a girl who gave too much of herself to too many guys and eventually realized that she would have nothing left to offer her future husband.
For as long as I remember I've had a boyfriend because it was the thing to do. My first encounter with sex was being raped by a boyfriend after I told him that I wasn't having sex until I was married because that's what the bible said I should do. I was 16. After that, I always viewed sex as something negative and hurtful. When I thought about it, I thought of it as something you do just to make the guy happy and that 's how I treated it. I was always left disappointed when I gave myself to a guy thinking that was what it took to make him love me...it never worked and I felt even worse than I did before. Eventually I would just do it out of a sense of "duty" and it was something that was expected of me in a relationship.
Many times I thought about saving my body for my husband. All the models for marriage that I was exposed to were negative and I expected to get married one day and end up unhappy because of an unfaithful or abusive man. I was messed up in more ways than I could imagine. The good thing was that I realized that my perspective was off. I had a strong feeling that there had to be more to relationships and sex than I had experienced. That feeling led me to consider being celibate.
At 19 I had rededicated my life to Christ and began to want to be closer to God. I tried to giving up sex several times over the next few years before I finally got so discouraged that I finally told God that I wasn't going to get in anymore relationships or give myself to any guy until He made it clear that it was the guy He wanted to be with. I didn't stay true to that statement, but what I did do was start getting closer to God for real and trying to find out what it was that He had planned for my life.
At 24, I left my dad's church, where I'd gone my whole life, joined a new church and soon after got involved with the pastor's son. That relationship was the turning point in my life. It started out as something I viewed as encouraging because he was the first active Christian guy I'd dated, however, the relationship soon turned into what I thought at the time was one of the worst experiences I'd ever had with a guy. I was left broken and doubting whether I was even capable of being close to God or one day having a husband. At that point, I had been celibate for several months...the longest I'd ever been...but as usual, I began to feel like I had to sleep with him in order for him to really care about me, and when I did I felt horrible. You see, up to that point men had been a huge problem for me. I had given so much of myself to get attention and I was sick of it. I was sick of the empty feeling that always followed. I was sick of guys making me feel like I wasn't worth their time. I was sick of guys telling me things like, "I would be with you, but I'm not ready to settle down." after we'd already slept together and they'd gotten what they wanted.
God used that relationship and the many others to show me that I needed to stop looking for my worth and identity in a man and find it in HIM. The next three years were the hardest for me. I spent more and more time with God because I felt so alone that it was all I could see to do. I poured my heart and soul out to Him during that time...I gave Him everything: my disappointment, my loneliness, my tears...and there were many tears. My relationship with Him got so much better and I became content with God in a way I never even thought was possible. I gave up sex and relationships for the next three years until God was able to have my path cross my husband's. I was tired of wasting my time on people who mistreated me. My husband was honored that I'd decided to wait for him and save myself for him, even though it was hard and I was lonely at times and very tempted to settle for any guy who was convenient or available.
I was glad that I waited and that I used that time to get to know God. He taught me during that time how to love and value myself so that I would appreciate my husband, who loves and values me. And I found out that my suspicions were right....there was much much more to relationships and sex than I thought.
I was and am by no means perfect...none of us are. Whenever I tell someone about the person I used to be or the life I used to live, they are amazed usually because the person they hear about is nothing like the person they're talking to. They hear stories of a suicidal, promiscuous alcoholic who grew up in church but somehow got tangled up in the wrong situations. They hear stories of a girl who had low self esteem, but was usually pretty good at hiding it. They hear stories of a girl who gave too much of herself to too many guys and eventually realized that she would have nothing left to offer her future husband.
For as long as I remember I've had a boyfriend because it was the thing to do. My first encounter with sex was being raped by a boyfriend after I told him that I wasn't having sex until I was married because that's what the bible said I should do. I was 16. After that, I always viewed sex as something negative and hurtful. When I thought about it, I thought of it as something you do just to make the guy happy and that 's how I treated it. I was always left disappointed when I gave myself to a guy thinking that was what it took to make him love me...it never worked and I felt even worse than I did before. Eventually I would just do it out of a sense of "duty" and it was something that was expected of me in a relationship.
Many times I thought about saving my body for my husband. All the models for marriage that I was exposed to were negative and I expected to get married one day and end up unhappy because of an unfaithful or abusive man. I was messed up in more ways than I could imagine. The good thing was that I realized that my perspective was off. I had a strong feeling that there had to be more to relationships and sex than I had experienced. That feeling led me to consider being celibate.
At 19 I had rededicated my life to Christ and began to want to be closer to God. I tried to giving up sex several times over the next few years before I finally got so discouraged that I finally told God that I wasn't going to get in anymore relationships or give myself to any guy until He made it clear that it was the guy He wanted to be with. I didn't stay true to that statement, but what I did do was start getting closer to God for real and trying to find out what it was that He had planned for my life.
At 24, I left my dad's church, where I'd gone my whole life, joined a new church and soon after got involved with the pastor's son. That relationship was the turning point in my life. It started out as something I viewed as encouraging because he was the first active Christian guy I'd dated, however, the relationship soon turned into what I thought at the time was one of the worst experiences I'd ever had with a guy. I was left broken and doubting whether I was even capable of being close to God or one day having a husband. At that point, I had been celibate for several months...the longest I'd ever been...but as usual, I began to feel like I had to sleep with him in order for him to really care about me, and when I did I felt horrible. You see, up to that point men had been a huge problem for me. I had given so much of myself to get attention and I was sick of it. I was sick of the empty feeling that always followed. I was sick of guys making me feel like I wasn't worth their time. I was sick of guys telling me things like, "I would be with you, but I'm not ready to settle down." after we'd already slept together and they'd gotten what they wanted.
God used that relationship and the many others to show me that I needed to stop looking for my worth and identity in a man and find it in HIM. The next three years were the hardest for me. I spent more and more time with God because I felt so alone that it was all I could see to do. I poured my heart and soul out to Him during that time...I gave Him everything: my disappointment, my loneliness, my tears...and there were many tears. My relationship with Him got so much better and I became content with God in a way I never even thought was possible. I gave up sex and relationships for the next three years until God was able to have my path cross my husband's. I was tired of wasting my time on people who mistreated me. My husband was honored that I'd decided to wait for him and save myself for him, even though it was hard and I was lonely at times and very tempted to settle for any guy who was convenient or available.
I was glad that I waited and that I used that time to get to know God. He taught me during that time how to love and value myself so that I would appreciate my husband, who loves and values me. And I found out that my suspicions were right....there was much much more to relationships and sex than I thought.
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