The 10 Commandments and My Marriage

I revisited the Ten Commandments today after a message my pastor preached yesterday. The message was about eternity and our concept of it, but he referred to Mark 10:17-22. In this particular scripture Jesus is talking to a wealthy man who wants to know what he can do to get into heaven. Jesus first tells him that he must keep the commandments, to which the man replied he'd done so since he was young. The story goes on to say that Jesus told the man to sell all his possessions and come back to follow Him.

As I reread my notes from that sermon, I thought about the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:3-17) and how there are many people who believe that they are irrelevant in our time since they are an Old Testament thing. But Jesus is in this scripture, and in others, making reference to them in the New Testament. To me that says they must still be relevant. Jesus summed up all ten commandments with two instructions: Love God, and love your neighbor. Jesus' summary makes sense because the first four commands are concerning our relationship with God, and the last six concerns our relationship to people, or our neighbors - our neighbors being the people living with us on the planet, not just next door. I came to the conclusion that not only are the Ten Commandments still relevant, but that I can apply them to every area of my life. In particular, I thought about how I can apply them in my marriage. 

Here are the Ten Commandments:

1. You should put no other god before God.

2. You should not make and idol for yourself, or worship one.

3. You should not use the Lord's name in vain.

4. You should remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.

5. Honor your father and mother.

6. You should not murder.

7. You should not commit adultery. 

8. You should not steal.

9. You should not give a false witness against your neighbor. 

10. You should not envy.

As I stated before, the first four are concerning our relationship with God. I'll be focusing specifically on the last six. 

So how CAN I apply these commandments in my marriage? Let's look at them individually.

1. Honor your father and mother.

I have a responsibility to honor and respect my parents (and in-laws), but it is also my responsibility to set boundaries in my marriage and keep them in their places. My parents, or in-laws, should not be allowed decision-making power in my marriage. They can provide guidance, but it is still my job to use discernment and consult with my husband, the man responsible for me, to decide what guidance we will apply and what we won't. The bible clearly says that a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to his wife (Genesis 2:24). The same goes for me. When I joined myself in marriage to my husband, responsibility for me was transferred from my parents to my husband. That means that any decisions we make are just that...decisions WE make. 

2. You should not murder. 

Clearly I do not have any plans to kill my husband. However, I can kill him in ways that I don't think about. If instead of encouraging him and lifting him up, I criticize him and tear him down, I am killing his dreams, his self-esteem and even his identity. If he has dreams or ideas that I constantly shoot down, I am killing his visions and creativity. Not cool.

3. You should not commit adultery.

When I married my husband, I had no intention of ever cheating on him. Adultery is giving to another man the things that belong to my husband. The thing is, when I spend more time in conversation with another man telling him things I should be talking only to my husband about - I'm committing adultery with my conversation. When I spend more time with another man than I spend with my husband, I'm committing adultery with my time. It's not just having sex with another man that counts as adultery. The bible says that if a man even looks lustfully or longingly at another woman, he's committed adultery with her in his heart already (Matthew 5:28). To avoid any kind of adultery in my marriage I must guard my eyes, my ears and my heart.

4. You should not steal.

I should never seek to take anything from my spouse, whether it be physical things, time, emotional responses, conversation, praise, encouragement, identity, confidence, etc. By criticizing him, I am stealing his confidence and sometimes his security, which causes him to doubt himself.

5. You should not give a false witness against your neighbor.
In other words, do not lie. I should never keep things from my spouse. I should always be honest and transparent with my spouse. Keeping the communication lines open is very important to my marriage. When the communication breaks down, so does the marriage. Secrets will always destroy a marriage. Besides, if I feel the need to keep a secret from my spouse, I'm probably doing something I shouldn't.

6. You should not envy.
Jealousy is never a good thing. I should not be comparing my marriage to anyone else's. Every marriage is different and has a different dynamic. If I feel like the grass is greener in someone else's yard, I should work harder to beautify my own. Now there are some things that are okay to want, for instance, if I know a couple who communicates well, that is something I can aspire to in my own marriage. But if I know a couple who vacations in Hawaii every three months and I know that kind of spending isn't in my budget, I shouldn't get us in debt trying to keep up with them.

And there you have it.