10 Things I've Learned in Marriage

Here is a list of ten things I've learned in my marriage of two years. I realize that every marriage is different and that there are different lessons to be learned. My hubby would probably come up with an entirely different list of things he's learned so far...and that's okay. My only hope is that God will use my marriage as an example for other marriages and as a beacon for Christ.

These ten things aren't in any particular order.

1. I am selfish. I never realized how self centered I was until I got married. Being single and on my own, I had only the responsibility of taking care of ME. I made my own decisions and didn't have to worry about getting another opinion or consulting another person. I didn't have to share my things. I know, I'm not four years old, but this was really hard for me at first. I was very independent, had my own routine and LIKED BEING THAT WAY. In marriage I've learned that in order for it to work and prosper, I must put my husband before myself. I must submit to him, but not just to him...to the GOD IN HIM.

2. Becoming one is not automatic. I always thought that the concept of becoming one required no extra effort on my part. Boy was I misinformed. Ephesians 5:31 says that "for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Apparently just getting married does not accomplish that. My husband and I had to learn to come together intentionally. We had to learn how to be intimate and how to meet each other's needs. It took (and is taking) WORK.

3. Sex is important. Yes, I'm going to go there. I never intended to have one of those marriages you hear about where the sex is nonexistent, so much so that it's a mainstream joke. When I was worldly and gratifying myself whenever I felt the urge, it all seemed so easy. I never imagined I'd have a problem in my marriage. However, being married has made me realize just how distorted God's image and purpose for sex has become in our world. I literally had to unlearn much of what I was taught about sex...the mindsets, the stigmas, etc....and re-learn what God says about it, how He intended for it to be, and apply it all to my marriage. Sex isn't just about gratification in marriage. It's much bigger than that.

4. My husband is NOT me. Sure this may seem like common sense to some of you, but for me this was a huge eye opener. I've learned that just because we are married, does not mean that we will agree on everything and share the same feelings. Not that I think that happens even outside of marriage, but I guess once we became a twosome, I somehow forgot that fact. I have a very strong personality...my husband is not as aggressive as I am. As a matter of fact, our personalities and temperaments are almost polar opposites. I am the one who would turn around and make a scene because McDonald's put mayo on my McChicken when I specifically asked them not to. My hubby would be more likely to just wipe it off with a napkin and I'd lay into him about being so nonchalant about it when he paid hard earned money for his sandwich to be RIGHT. At the beginning of our marriage, this difference caused a lot of arguments until the light clicked on in my head one day: at the end of the day, the things I'm nagging about probably don't matter and he is NOT me!!

5. I am not my son's only parent. This area of learning is new to our lives. Our son is four months old today. It is instinct for me to do what I think should be done as far as he is concerned. However, I tend to forget that my son has a father as well. I can't ignore what he thinks or how he feels when it comes to our son. Granted as it stands now, I am Zane's primary caregiver, but I am not his ONLY caregiver. Hubby's opinion matters too. I am not a single mother and I THANK GOD that I didn't turn out that way. For that reason alone I feel that I should respect my hubby's need and right to co-parent with me. He has a lot to learn, but I have to LET HIM LEARN.

6. I am not the HEAD. This I know is an issue for a lot of women. We say we want to be taken care of, but then when the moment of truth comes, our inner control freak rears its ugly head. God has set my husband as the head of our household for a reason. Granted, he's not always perfect at what he does and he has a lot to learn still, but so do I. And I will say, my hubby has come a LONG way in leading our home. It is my responsibility to support, encourage and pray for and with him as he leads, not try to step in and take over whenever I don't think he's doing it right.

7. I do NOT have it all together. I spent time in my last 3 years as a single, celibate woman learning from other married couples, reading books about courtship and marriage, praying for my future husband and our ministry together and to each other. I spent time with God asking him to destroy ties I had forged with other guys, purify and heal my spirit and body from past mistakes...the whole nine. After I was married, though, within the first six months I had to deal with what seemed like every past relationship mistake I had ever made. Why? Because all my issues weren't resolved like I once thought. Don't get me wrong, God healed me. A lot. But some things couldn't be dealt with completely until the circumstances and environment were right. My marriage turned out to be the right environment. I told my hubby while we were dating that my definition for being "in love" was being able to bare your heart before another person, continuously standing "naked and unashamed" before him/her and intentionally trusting the other to cover you while you uncover yourself. It took me a little bit to come up with that definition, but when I did, I meant every word of it and I expected it to happen that way. Which leads me to number 8...

8.  My husband is my best friend. He has to be. With all the things I reveal to him and he sees from being with me 24/7, there is NO way another human being will ever be this close to me. That's not to say I don't have other friends. I love and appreciate all of my friends. But at the end of the day, they will never be as intimately connected to me as my husband is.

9. Marriage is ministry. I knew this before I was married, but I didn't realize how important it really was until after the fact. Usually when I thought of ministry it always involved people outside of my home, but I've learned that the ministry inside of my home has to happen first before any other ministry can take place. My husband has taught me so much in the last two years, and vice versa. I am a better person because of his ministry of encouragement, support (and many other things) to me.

10. Marriage brings healing. As I mentioned before, some things cannot be dealt with until the right conditions are available to bring it out. In my marriage I am able to reveal myself enough to seek the help that I need for total healing of my mind, body and spirit. My husband ministers to me in this area as well. He prays for me, he lifts me up when I need it. I trust the God in him to minister healing through him and through me for him.

This list isn't exhaustive, and we have only been married for two years and two and a half months. There are many more experiences to be had and many more lessons to be learned. The bottom line is that my wonderful husband has been a HUGE blessing to me in the last two years. Is our marriage perfect? Not by a long shot....but what would be the fun in that anyway? :)